Wouldn’t it be absolutely great if there was a universal language that would give you the power to truly connect with people and let them understand not just your reasons for something, but also their own reasons? Wouldn’t it be great if you could know how someone really feels about what you’re saying? If that was possible, would you find some value in that? If so, then I’ve got some wonderful news for you: There is a universal language that every man, woman and child speaks fluently. Each of us uses it for more than 90% of everything we communicate. That’s right. No matter who you’re dealing with, whether you’re aware of it or not, you already understand more than 90% of what someone is saying to you, and they understand just about everything you’re saying to them.
There are three main components of communication. In this case, I use the term “communication,” to describe a face to face conversation between two or more people. Imagine yourself in a room. Maybe it’s your office or your living room, and you’re speaking to a business associate. Or, maybe it’s your spouse, your partner, a brother or sister, or your kid. Pick a conversation that you’ve had in the last week or so, and picture it. Picture the room you were in. Was it light or dark? Were there any distractions like television or music? Was the room warm or cold? Were you standing up or sitting down? Were you alert or tired? Was this conversation about something exciting and wonderful, or was it serious or even sad. How did you feel? How did you feel about yourself, and about the other person? Really recreate the sensation of that conversation, and feel it just as strongly now as you did then. … Got it? Great!
When you spoke, did you move? Did you move even one muscle? Of course you did. We all gesture to help get our point across. When the other person spoke, did you move? Where were your eyes focused when the other person was speaking? Where were their eyes focused when you spoke? What about arms? Were your arms crossed, on your lap, or at your sides? What about theirs? If you were seated, were your legs crossed? Were you sitting back in your seat, or were you sitting up. Were your shoulders up or down? What was your posture like? Were you slumped in your chair, or were you sitting up straight. How was your breathing? Were you taking deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth, or were you breathing shallowly, mostly through your nose. Was there anything in your hands? Were you fidgeting at all?
Now you’ve probably figured out by now that what I’m talking about is Body Language. Body language accounts for 50% of what gets communicated between two people in a face to face conversation. Now, if you had a choice between a word-for-word transcript of a conversation, or the answers to the questions above, which would you choose? Which information would tell you the most. If I were to say to you, “That sounds great, and I really want to do things exactly the way you suggest,” would you understand that? What if I said it while I was rolling my eyes, crossing my arms, turning around and walking away from you? Would that be different than if I said it while I was smiling, looking you in the eye while sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning towards you with my hands on my knees? My body language can completely change the meaning of my words.
Tone of voice is the second most important communication tool we use. Tone accounts for about 40% of our communication. This concept is so amazingly simple that it doesn’t take very many words at all to express it. A happy, upbeat tone of voice communicates happiness. A slow, low tone communicates something else entirely. As human beings of any age or culture, we are capable of as many different tones of voice as we have different feelings. In other words, we couldn’t list them all on paper if we wanted to! Tone of voice is an unlimited communication tool that we all have in common.
No matter what you are saying to me, if can see your body language and hear your tone, I have the opportunity to understand more than 90% of what you mean. Your words, believe it or not, fill in the last 10%. Some say it’s only 7%. That’s right, seven percent!
This concept is not obvious. It runs contrary to much of our culture. For example, if I did actually, “Take you at your word,” as the saying goes, there would only be a fraction of a chance that I would really and truly connect with you and get what you were saying. When we say things, we say them not just with our words, but with our body language and our tone of voice. This is one of the reasons contract law is such an extremely lucrative field for lawyers. It is all about purely written communication. There is no room for body language or tone of voice in a contract. That’s why contracts and legal documents require so many words.
By its very nature, language is subject to interpretation. That is what makes the written word so beautiful. Shakespeare “reads” differently for everyone. For me, it reads differently each time I read it. That’s the fun of it! Shakespeare’s goal in writing, however, was to set your creativity free and let you interpret his work as you like it! More often than not, however, we need to communicate as accurately as possible with those around us. We need to understand and to be understood as clearly as possible.
Communication is one really great reason for learning about Behavioral Style. A person’s behavioral style determines the way they communicate. The words they use, the concepts they are comfortable with, the kind of information they are likely to share, the kind they’re likely to withhold, and so on. Leaning to read the other 90% of someone’s communication, their words accounting for just 10%, definitely seems worth the effort.
Communication isn’t the only reason I’ve become so fascinated with Behavioral Style. As it happens, another Great Reason for understanding the Behavioral Style of yourself and those around you, is that your behavioral style also determines to a huge extent the kinds of things you’re likely to be good at – or enjoy – and the kinds of things you probably wont be very good at, and wouldn’t enjoy. Said differently, if you know the things you are behaviorally suited to, you can concentrate on those things, and maybe figure out ways to leverage the rest!
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